It’s not TV. It’s Bart TV.

If I were a channel like Bravo, these are some of the reality shows I would air.
General Market: Three verbally challenged Hispanic copywriters try to make it in English Advertising.
Humiliation assured on every episode.
I'm like, a volunteer: Four young Upper East Side socialites venture themselves into the world of volunteering for the poor. Cameras follow them around through soup kitchens downtown, schools in the Bronx, shelters in Queens. These four privileged kids learn how to be compassionate while showing off the latest fashion trends and occasionally hooking up with fellow volunteer boys.
Maid to be shared: A Colombian cleaning lady works for a bunch of young professionals in NYC somehow connected to each other. From a socialite on Park Avenue to a neurotic redhead to a gay couple who's closeted (to her)… This woman was "maid" to tell all.
Schmuck: A born and raised catholic Latin American guy tries to infiltrate himself into the life of a completely dysfunctional Manhattan Jewish family. Mazal Tov everyone!
Slim chances: An unemployed advertising executive is given a budget of $300 to eat for a whole month. No cheating allowed. Gone are the days of expense accounts.

Please note that this post was not sent from my iPhone. I uploaded it myself. It's a first, I know. But Lily's martini expense account (in exchange for help posting) was beginning to be somewhat of a burden. Cheers!

Who needs Gossip Girl, when there is Suitcase Girl

Why waste your time with imaginary socialite conspiracies when you can have so much real excitement reading Latin American news. Like the story of Suitcase Girl: A little over a year ago, when Argentinean airport security guard Maria de Luján Telpuk discovered a suitcase full of cash, she never imagined she was stopping (an alleged) plot that involved a (suspected) Venezuelan spy and a tiny financial gift ($800,000) from Mr. Chávez (supposedly) intended to Mrs. Fernández de Kirchner. Unlike the plot in most Argentinean movies, Ms. de Luján, did not steal the cash-filled suitcase. She reported it to the authorities and since then has used her fame as a trampoline to be featured in Playboy magazine (she's sort of hot, actually) and a number of reality shows. Today she arrived to Miami, where she’ll be testifying. It's only missing stay tuned for the next episode.
And no, I’m not making this one up. You can check the story in Hispanic Business as well as a previous one in Times magazine, where you can see her Playboy cover (tastefully covered).
PS: Mrs. Fernández de Kirchner declarations regarding the incident accuse Ms. del Luján of being an American spy and says the whole thing was a plot of the US to embarrass her and Mr. Chávez (her, maybe; but I don't think—if that was true at all—that they tried to embarrass Mr. Chávez. He already does quite a good job himself.)

B.O.W.: Money Money Money

I guess the whole economic turmoil inspired me to look for some mistakes that would make us laugh instead of freak out. At least, we won’t have to bail these guys out.
-In times of uncertainty, I would advice you to keep away from Credit Solutions. They offer you that your “deuda salga en sus terminos” or that your debt will impose on you its own terms. (Changing interest rates? Crazy charges? You name it.) They want you to “empieze ya” or starth now, because “no se requiere buscar su crédito” or they won’t come looking for your credit. Brilliant!
-Artículos Informativos USA is the “líder mundial en la fuente de credibilidad” or the leader in the source of all credibility. That’s why they want to help "individuos que son en maravilla extrema de la deuda” or “individuals who are in the wonderful extreme of the debt.” They also explain that cash-advance loans help you “conocer su próximo día de pago” or “get to know your next payday.”
At Allied Cash Advance, you need to give your info and then “escribanos un cheque” or notaries a check. One notary is not enough, especially if you just want to write a check. They don’t, however, specify the exact number of notaries required .
MiCash “es pionera de un acercamiento que es único en la industria” or is pioneer getting closer unique in the industry.
-TURBOTITLELOAN.com welcomes you as "Título de Turbo Presta. Donde hay un principio y un fin". Where there is a beginning and an end. I think using the word “end” it’s a little creepy, as in your financial life has come to an end (after ve've sucked suck all the cash you had.)
-A poor guy posted this video called “Obteniedo Dinero! No muy efectivo” or makng Money – Not very effective. It seems the reason that it’s doesn’t work very well is “eske soy muy pobre y no me gusta havcer dinero por mi cuenta eso es para nerds!” or “Imm very poor and I don’t like to maklke money on my own, that’s for nerds.”
(...)
Just realized: I always considered myself a little nerdy. But since I don't make very much money, and certainly not on my own... Does that comment free me from my nerd heritage? If so, what am I? Just plain neurotic? Sad. Better watch American's Next Top Model repeat (the one where they fire Isis, 22, transexual extraordinaire.)

A video answer...

...to the charge that immigrants are to blame for global warning (made by the Center of Immigration Studies.) Also, if you want to participate in a poll about what are immigrants going to blamed next, go to this page @ America's Voice site.)
Thanks god today is Mojito day at the office!

Things that make me feel depressed

"Noteworthy" videos like this one. The interviewer is Py Kim, who supposedly wrote Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man yet has the sex appeal of a pineapple and dresses like she lives in a trailer. The interviewee is a 21 year old Hispanic male, who also has the sex appeal of a pineapple and complains about been called a "beano" while chatting about his mixed ancestry.

The nouveau cool side of Boston

Because of early work meeting in Boston, had to spend one night at the The Nine Zero, a sort of executive nouveau cool hotel (designed so boring executives feel metrosexual, cool, exciting and adventurous).
Which means that:
The mini bar includes a martini shaker, cosmopolitan mixer and apple martini mixer. (Apple martini? Who orders that nowadays? It's so 2000.) No coffeemaker nor tea.
White, plain pillow cases for sale ("so you can have sweet dreams every night.")
Plain, white sheets and towels for sale ("bringing home stylish luxury was never so easy.")
Bathroom (fake) luxury products samples for use and the same products in normal size disposed in a gift basket for sale ($90.) Yet I don't have a piece of soap for the shower.
An animal print bathrobe (I'm not kidding) for use (I can order my own for only $90.)
A stainless steel yoyo for $10.
Etc. etc. etc.
Are hotels the new malls? Are today's executives in such a rush they need to do their shopping in their own room? I still understand buying a teddy bear ($18) for your toddler, but come on, obstetrical towelettes? Isn't that going a tad too far?

ps: I have TLC and Lifetime but no Bravo TV. How can you be metrosexual cool without Tim Gun?

Some of my favorite English words

Cougar: Now every time I hear of an older woman dating a youngster I imagine her wearing animal print.
Wimp: That word is so me.
Dimwit: I never imagined there could be such a charming way of saying nature didn’t endow someone with brains.
Meatloaf: As in dumb as a meatloaf.
Darling: So versatile. You can use as “I really like you” or as “Listen you dumb ass.”
Really: The only word you really need to make it seem you speak English fluently. Really! Really? Reeeeaaaaalllyyyy.
Seriously: Can’t stop saying it. Seriously.
Duh!: Why don’t we have a Spanish equivalent? (Is Duh actually a word? Ah, yes, it is in the dictionary and is described as an interjection. Duh!)
Crap!: Again versatile AND child friendly (and even childish but hey, I’m a foreigner, I can do childish, it sounds charming, at least that’s what I say to myself.)
Honeybunny: You have to be born outside the US to understand how funny this word sounds.

What are some of your favorites?

50 Ways to Break the Ice - Part #1

Yesterday I decided to take my Learning Annex Class online. It took me like half an hour just to be able to get it to work on a Mac. I was very excited. It would be so much fun. I couldn’t wait to hear this guy’s tips on how to break the ice. There could be no way they would make sense.
Fast forward one hour into the class: ZzzzZZZZzzzz. This guy was able to talk for one hour and say nothing but that “you should not be afraid because if people go to a social event it’s because they want to socialize and connect. Connecting is important. Open up to connect with people. I can connect so you can connect so we can all connect? Isn’t this ‘connect’?”
I guess he will cram the remaining tips in the other hour and a half, because I only got three: don’t fold your arms, it’s terrible body language; don’t think about what you are going to say, listen to the other person and give your answer based on what they are saying (eh… hello, is this for 3-year-olds?); and always prepare a list of topics you are willing to talk about before going to a party (if you always bring wine why not bring a conversation topic with you as well?) Geeeeekkkkkkkkkkk!
But the guy had guts, if I had his whiny, nasal voice I would never be able to speak in public and, even less, allow somebody to record it for a podcast.
The best part: the participants (the podcast is the recording of an actual class in the Annex.) There are five women and a guy. The women don’t seem to be having troubles to communicate how desperate they are to communicate. The guy has opened his mouth only four times to say his name, the word “yes”, that he was a “photographer” and to make a grunt.
My favorite is a girl who speaks much better than the guy giving the class (articulate, nice voice) who, when prompted to say why she was there, broke down because it seems that after she chit chat with people they hate her. The guy said it was only a perception, that he was sure people did like her. But listening to her sniffing and crying you could guess people did hate her, poor thing.
There was also a Hispanic girl who said she had no idea what to talk about and when she had she didn’t know the words (personally, I think that she needed an English conversation class more than this) and another woman whose voice was so high I was thankful she was “nervous, and quiet, with not very much to say.”
Will keep you posted (literally) about the second part.

Bart recommends

Salma Hayek singing with Jimmy Kimmel in this video featured on Perez TV. Enjoy!
Note to Salma: don't worry, we like you way better than Penélope.

Soup Kitchens for Dummies

One of my biggest fears (I have so many they would not fit in any blog) is to starve to death. That’s why when I eat, I love to devour calorie-rich foods and feel my stomach becoming heeeeaaaavvvvyyy. According to a clairvoyant, I actually starved to death in many past lives, and the trauma has accompanied me ever since. According to me, I’m just a pessimistic coward who read too many Zola novels.
In any case, trying to work on my fear, I’ve been volunteering at a few soup kitchens. Not only does this make people think I’m a good person (if they only knew) but I am also learning the ropes (just in case!) Here a are few tricks for food-seekers (hopefully you’ll never need them):
-Arrive early, preferably half an hour before the start of the shift. If not, most of the “goodies” will be gone and you'll be stuck with the PB and jelly sandwiches.
-Don’t stick to your own crummy neighborhood. The more upscale the neighborhood, the bigger the guilt and the bigger the portions.
-Become friends with the Maitre D (a person who works for the Church or organization and, in most cases was rescued by it, who controls the gates to the soup kitchen haven. If he likes you he can keep some portions aside for you or get you “two seats together” in case you have company.)
-Play the volunteers. Ask each different volunteers for extra portions. Even if not allowed, most volunteers will give you extras. If you see them doubt, just exhale sadly and nod your head like saying “I knew it would not happen, such is my life.” It works wonders, especially with girls. Remember, most volunteers are there to feel good about themselves. You are there to help them.
Note: It’s important to hide the food you are able to get from each volunteer in a dark bag under the table to escape detection (avoid storing food in your pockets, they usually don’t hide longer items such as bananas. Also, sandwiches crumble.)
-Check out their take out policy. Most soup kitchen don’t offer containers or bags to take your extras (like Martha’s Kitchen in the West Village.) Others, like St Barts in Park Avenue, give you all the containers and bags you want (and some designers clothes too, after you finished your breakfast.)
-When finished, approach a volunteer and say a few kind words no matter how false they sound (I really liked a guy who said to me after staring intensely “You. Are. Innocence!!!"). The volunteer will remember you and serve you better next time.
-Stay away from volunteers that call you “dude,” “bro” or “man”. They are too mentally balanced and will probably treat you as an equal instead of as a mean to gain good karma. Beware also of volunteers with accents, they may have seen worse than you and are more difficult to manipulate.

B.O.W.: Random findings

The Citibank branch in Tribeca lets you know in Spanish (who knew all those in vitro moms were bilingual) that on “Marte no funcionará” or On Mars it will not work.

Saran Wrap’s value size becomes heroic in Spanish as “Talla de Valor” or the size bravery comes in (at least that’s the only sort of meaning I could make out of this sentence.) If you have extra bravado, wrap it. It will keep. And it will also keep you out of trouble, since bravery and bravado are not healthy, especially if you work in a corporative environment.

Checking for Driving Schools in Spanish I found an Auto-Es-Cula. No comments.

Some of the latest mistakes I’ve made, heard or read: “Yo livo aquí” (I viviration here,) “los censores del carro” (The car’s censorship—I guess the censors didn’t allow sensors,) “ness colner” (I guess when sleepy I tend to confuse the next corner with the loch ness monster.)

What did you hear, say or read?

Ten signs that indicate you may be living in a bubble

-You think the fundamentals of the economy are actually strong.
-You still write chick lits were women shop at Bergdorf and wear Christian Louboutin shoes.
-You forget that marketing fluff, especially when it’s virtual fluff, although powerful (and very well done) is still just… fluff.
-You think covering the fact that Chinese people don’t like their Ugly Betty (or Ugly Wudi, as they call it there) because she’s not ugly enough is actually relevant info to be covered this week.
-You express your worry for the American people, while wearing clothes worth more than the average mortgage loan.
-You feel pity about the girl in America’s Next Top Model who got the bad make-over and think Gossip Girl is the best thing since… well, Gossip Girl.
-You think tent cities are a great way to go back to the basics and feel closer to nature (after all, it is a little bit “pretentious” to want a home for your family if you are middle class.)
-You still don’t understand the terrible consequences of bad hair days.
-You still think people are poor because they deserve it.
-You still don’t get it that there are actually lots (and lots and lots) of Latinos voting this year.

As Miss Crawford writes in Jane Austin's Mansfield Park (changed slightly to apply it to myself) "If only my rents were but equal to my rants!" I would invite you all for a drink and still have enough money to rescue a couple of ailing banks.

And the winner is...

Copied from my Learning Annex "My Classes" info page.
You have 1 online class:
50 Sure-Fire Ways to Break the Ice & Improve Your Conversations - 2 1/2 Hour Audio Program with Don Gabor.
This class is available to you through 10/18/2008.

Thanks for the help.
(...)
Wondering: Maybe I should take the How to Marry a Millionaire one as well. It must be just too funny.

Death before indifference

Of course it had to happen. It was only a matter of time. He used to be a very social person. I guess he was preparing the ground with me first, but yesterday, Oncle M decided to make his first public appearance. At my yoga class. While I was deep in shoulder stand. He was wearing a white sarong with a slightly cheesy texture. He was smiling benignly. Nobody returned his smile. As a matter of fact, nobody saw him. Just lucky Lily. Why?????? He looked disappointed. I was glad (not a very spiritual yogi thought, sorry.)
—I tried yoga once, back in the 70s.
I couldn’t believe he was talking to me. It was a yoga class for God’s sake. I know they lately look like aerobics but…
—It was boring. Way too full of fashionable people trying to look spiritual. Plus, with the acids and pills they used to give out for free, I could not… What do they call it? Ah, yes! Find my center.
-Pfffffffff (I let the air in my lungs out as noisily as I could in hopes that it would make him fly away or that, at least, he would take it as an answer.)
-I was too old for yoga. That was the day I decided to take the cyanide.
Pfffffffffff.
—Yes, you caught me! How perceptive of you! It had nothing to do with sarvangasanas or shirshasanas. The truth is that that day I realized my prime was past.
—Pffffffffffff.
—You are right, your are right—I had accomplished a lot in my life. But suddenly I realized: I had become a nobody. I didn’t know how to be a nobody. I didn’t want to be a nobody.
—Pfffffffffffff.
—Yes, it’s true; you could have helped. After all, being a nobody is all what you are about, isn’t it, dear Lily? And the accent thing is very convenient, isn’t it? What better excuse for failure?

Can you strangle a ghost?

How to become a successful painter

Organize a coup d'état, go to jail, paint whatever you see from your cell, then become president and force the people who sent you to jail to buy the painting for $255,000. Check the latest Chávez news.
(...)
Wondering: Hopefully the coincidence with a certain mustached crazy lunatic leader from the past ends up here and we won't see any time soon the publication of a new version of Mi lucha.

Bart sends Lily to the Learning Annex; you get to pick the class

(A phone conversation with Bart)
—Bart, darling, I’m so bored. It’s ages since I’ve had any fun. I need to try something new. Botox perhaps?
—Lily: stay away from Botox! It gives you creepy Mr. Spoke eyebrows. Let’s see... Hmm! What about the Learning Annex?
—The what?
—You know, the Learning Annex, that place where they give all those funny self-improvement classes. It was in Sex and the City. In one episode Carrie gives a class there.
—Teaching a class! That’s a great idea. It would be so much fun. You’re. A. Genius!
—Ehhhh… Sweets, I was thinking more on the lines of… you taking a class.
—Oh. Oh. Oh.
(…)
One hour later: I am actually quite excited. We didn’t have this in Venezuela. I never saw so many classes with so much potential for... ehhh... serious study. So many in fact, that I could not decide which one to take. My top picks are:
-How to Marry a Millionaire: According to the pamphlet I will go from discount stores to Beverly Hills boutiques (it seems millionaires only live in LA.) The class teaches you how to deal with this “special class of wealthy men while meeting your own needs,” the pros and cons of dating millionaires, what to wear to get a millionaire’s attention, what to say and what not to, and how to snare one without spending a fortune. 2 ½ hour online program. $14.99.
-How to Be Famous—Marketing Yourself to Success: I don’t need to hire an expensive PR firm, I only need this seminar to make myself irresistible to the media. I will become my own guerilla marketer, put together a press kit, create the perfect hook and learn how to be a “power guest” (whatever that may be.) 2 ½ hour online audio program. $9.99.
-50 Sure Ways to Break the Ice and Improve Conversations: In this “fun-filled course” I will learn at least 50 ways to be a more confident speaker in social occasions, remember names, make a great first impression, end conversations tactfully and, my favorite, overcome the fear of rejection. 2 ½ hour online audio program. $9.99.

What’s your favorite? Can you help me choose? Please, please!

Some possible leftovers from the Vene-Russian love affair

Throughout the decades, Venezuelan culture has been constantly absorbing foreign influences. There are words like musiú (monsieur) or güachiman (watchman.) Caracas has better perros calientes (hot dogs) than New York (sorry, but they are better) and now people love to say they eat suchi (sushi.) Now—with Chávez being a “compiche” (pal) of the Russians—we may see some cultural changes such as:
-The names Madenusa and Mylady sink in popularity and are replaced by Miruski.
-The Cuba Libre is no longer the most popular drink. It has been replaced by the Black Russian (the White Russian was deemed imperialist.)
-The Russians come up with a solution for the shortage of goods in Caracas and other Venezuelan cities: the Black market. The Venezuelan government approves the measure but decides to change the name to Red Market to make it sound more revolutionary.
-Inspired in the Russian name system, the president creates a new nomenclature law: Venezuelan females must add Hugovna to their name; Venezuelan males, Hugovich.
-As a gesture of friendship, Caracas' beautiful Parque del Este is now called Gorki Park. The city’s mayor has also renamed the twin towers of Parque Central. They are now known as Stalin and Lenin.
-The word “ñapa” (small extra amount of produce a merchant gives you for free to keep you happy) disappears from the vocabulary. People now use the word niet as in “a ti no te toca ni niet” or “All you get is niet.”
-Temprary schools are set up to teach the Russians the difference between perol (thing,) macundal (thing) and coroto (thing.) A refresher course on communism is also available, but for now there are no takers.

B.O.W.: Accident lawyers

At ellicenciado.com, they worry that you may have “recibido daños” or “received injuries.” You can receive them by e-mail, regular mail or overnight mail. The overnight ones are the most dangerous.

In this website, you can “oprime para submitar su caso” or “oppression to submitation your case.” Extremelly good for “accidentes de resbalos” or “slippery accidents.”

Douglas Bill-Redon has ample experience dealing with “victimos” or “vitim-O-s,” and he really wants to “alludarle” or “hellpp you.”

At tuabogadodelpueblo (your town’s lawyer), the “cuotos varía dependiendo del caso” or “quotons varies depending on the case.”

When filling Domina Law’s info request form, the site states that “confirmo correo” or that it “confirms itself your e-mail address.” It's not a mistake. They are the only site already using web 3.0.

Life is not FAIR

When I was a teenager, I used to read books about World War II and concentration camps. At that age I couldn’t avoid to catalog it in my brain as fiction. My only contact with the Ku Klux Klan was also fiction (Gone with the Wind.) Then things got bad in Venezuela, the violence escalated and I felt like I didn't fit there as a person anymore, so I took a flight to the US. Once in the US, I helped a French friend who was writing an article on the Ku Klux Klan to get to a rally in Pennsylvania. It was a shock. For me the KKK was something from the late 19th and early 20th centuries. It was pathetic to see these people dressed with their white costumes screaming idiocies on a podium, while the townspeople were trying to get at them but couldn’t because the KKK was protected not only by the first amendment but also by over 100 cops and a few sniper shooters on the roof. We were in such a shock that we forgot we were foreigners (a French, an Asian and a cultural mutt with heavily accented English.) To have gone there wasn’t the smartest thing we did, however we were able to depart (à la Speedy González) without mishaps.
Maybe that's why every time I read about immigration raids, I freak out. I remember the screams, the insults, the hate. I just hope the raids are conducted in a human and compassionate way, but then history and what I’ve seen myself always leave me doubting. After all, human nature is not even close to perfect, although we like to think otherwise (which is in a way why this thinks happen once and again.)
Anyway, long story short: there is now this group called The Federation for American Immigration Reform (FAIR,) which is considered an extremist group. You can google FAIR and it's the first website that comes out, I just didn't feel comfortable linking them. Brrrrr. The Southern Poverty Law Center has named it a "hate group" (joining the ranks with KKK, the American Nazi Party, and the Aryan Nations.) The problem is that FAIR is holding an extensive lobbying campaign to urge legislators oppose illegal alien amnesty and support stronger border and work site enforcement.
The good news (after three paragraphs of depressing rambling) is that there is an organization that is trying to neutralize FAIR (I still can’t believe the irony of the name) called America’s Voice, which speaks on behalf of the Americans who believe in earned citizenship. Check it out.

PS: Thanks, Luis, from Ser Latino, for the info.
PS2: Sorry to be so serious on a Friday, but try to see it as finding a good reason to go and drink martinis. I certainly will. Two. One White Chocolate. One Cucumber Mint.

A new New York Times?

According to an article in Wire, Carlos Slim Helu has taken a 6.4 % stake in the New York Times. It's supposed to be a "financial" decision, which sounds really scary. Please, Mr. Slim, do not replace the Frugal Traveler with fotonovelas. Thank you.

A post of silence...

...to commemorate September 11, a date in which many foreigners like me discovered that no matter where they came from, they were in truth New Yorkers.
And to honor Bart who rescued me and fed me that day.

For English speakers who watch too many Almodovar movies...

[Warning: This post should not be read by minors or good-mannered/well-spoken people.]
...or Almodovar-like movies directed by Woody Allen. The verb "follar" does indeed translate as the verb to f... However, it does so in the physical meaning of the English verb. Which means that, unlike the verb to f..., you shouldn't use "follar" in other situations. Here is a watch list for common mistakes:
—"¡Estamos follados!" (We are intercourse) when things go wrong.
—"Esto está follado" (This is intercoursed) when things are screwed up.
—"¡Qué follada!" (What the intercourse!?!) when things turn out—incomprehensibly—wrong.
—"Tú estás follado arriba" (You are intercoursed up) when somebody's brain is not working properly or that somebody is going to be in big trouble.
—"Se pueden ir todos a follarse a si mismo" (They can all go and intercourse themselves) when you want people to end up badly (unless you really want them to go and play with their body parts)
—"¡Esto está buenísimamente bien follado!" (This is so intercousing great!) when things are going well or you receive amazing news.

Think of "follar" more as the verb to shag—although avoid adding "adelic" to feel groovy. If not, things are going to turn very out folladelic.

If I had no accent…

I would become a serious murder detective instead of being suspected of trafficking drugs. At least I don't have a French accent—like my brother or sister—and will not be confused with Inspector Clouseau or Hercule Poirot.
(...)
Wondering: It's sort of sad that one of the most famous Belgian is actually a fictional character created by an English woman.
(...)
More wondering: maybe it's better to be known for Hercule Poirot (although fictional) than for Hugo Chávez (although comical.)

Booboo of the week (B.O.W.): English classes

As foreigners, most of us will spend the first year in the US (and the little money we brought with us) learning (or should I say trying to learn?) English. As you can see, a number of very professional companies cater to our needs:
There is for example, www.englishtown.es that promotes learning body parts instead of English: “Aprender ingles” or “Learn groins.” They also feel you “has de saber” or “haz to know.”
At least they used all the letters, www.online-education.com cut a letter of their claim to make it shorter (oh dear, Spanish is so long!): “aprenda inges.” I’m still searching for what "inges" is. Maybe it is something similar to Engish? Or Engis? I got it! Enish! (Maybe a native English speaker can help us figuring this one out?)
Jones International University’s commitment to the integrity of a language is evident in its ad, which was composed by professional linguist Dr. BabelFish: “JIU es orgulloso estar el primer completamente en línea, acreditado university” or “JIU be proud first being on the line, accredited Universidad.” I would totally trust this school for thorough learning.
The quality of Quality Courses can be seen in its New York’s center landing page: “Nueva York es una grande metropoli que conta con una población” or “New York is a bigge metropoli that conts with a population.”
My favorite, however, is not a booboo. It’s a company called OM Personal that promotes their special technique Singing Grammar, to learn English grammar while you sing. Their highlight is the CD The Sounds of English, second only in success to The Sound of Music.

Advertising stereotypes

When you work in advertising, you establish a love hate relationship with stereotypes. If you don’t include them, the client rejects the ad: it’s not Hispanic. If you include them (and most of us do at the end) people accuse you of enforcing the wrong image. "We are not like that," they say. "We are more than jalapeño and mustaches" (I hope the latter is true since I know no one from Latin America who wears one.)
Among the criticism I’ve received is that my 30 spots are too basic and don’t reflect our intelligence and wisdom. I agree. And until recently I felt bad about it (well, not really, but it sounds good in writing.) But then came the elections and my obsession with blogs. I started collecting Latino blogs who wrote about politics, economy and immigration issues. And believe me, there are lots of them. Finding some of them is easy: Hispanic Tips, Hispanic Trending, Hispanic Business and whatever combination of serious words with Hispanic you can think of. But others… you have to start looking on sidebars and surf, because you will never think that a blog from “La Chola” or “Mamita Mala” is actually written by a woman who has over 120 IQ, a degree in journalism and many smart things to say.
Another cool blogger calls himself the urban jíbaro. His mission is promoting the evolution of Latino culture in the US. Yet the word jíbaro has different connotations, the original one: somebody that truly represents his culture; and more modern ones: hillbilly, dumb.
I understand the need to label a blog as Hispanic using cute Spanish nicknames, since it is written in English. But isn’t this contributing to transfer our stereotype to the online arena?
Is it better off-line and off the screen? Look at the elections parade: every minority was represented either as a candidate or as a supporter. And who represented us? Daddy Yankee. Don’t get me wrong, I like him, and he’s a great artist. But isn’t he a little bit of a stereotype with legs to be our only major figure on the podium when it comes to the country’s future? (I still think it’s very funny that his hit song is La Gasolina given gas prices lately.)
I won’t get started with movies and series, where our lucky break comes as sirvientas or drug dealers.
So, is it advertising only? Or does it go way beyond?
Am I writing a lot of crap to distract your attention and escape being convicted as guilty? Absolutely.
You caught me.
So from now on I promise not to include an abuelita in my next TV spot. Or a jalapeño. Or a mustache. What are you going to do?

PS: This post is dedicated to Oncle M, hoping it will fill him with enough substance to stay away for a while.

Gossip and prejudice

Here I am, watching Gilda: “Go back to Buenos Aires—pronounced as Boenos Aiees—Gilda, go back,” when Oncle M shows up again, dressed just like Glenn Ford and singing softly “Put the blaaaaame on maaaaame boyzzzzz.” Although he sings badly, and the idea of sitting next to a dead man freaks me out, I decide to ignore him. Maybe he’ll get the message and leave.
—Your grandmother—not my wife, your real grandfather's wife—looked a little bit like her. Pity she sang badly. And didn’t wear gloves. They confused her, poor soul.
I remain silent. The movie is almost over. He will be off then, like Gilda’s gloves.
—Do you know I arrived in Argentina just in 1946, the year the movie came out?
Silence. He said only one word in Spanish (Argentina) but it’s enough to expose the fact that his accent in Spanish is even more ugly than in English.
—We loved it there. There was food, clothes, everything. Well, when we arrived. When we left the economy was sinking. Did I ever tell you how I became friends with Evita?
Crap. He hasn’t. And now I’m curious. Plus I’m bored. Hannah is passing by and it has been raining hard for hours.
—How?
—Gossip and prejudices, my dear. She had spies everywhere. In every cocktail party, meeting and dinner. And they weren’t very smart in the art of camouflage. Even when they did, the women would indicate which ones were spies, which ones were gigolos—when it comes to politics, always sit next to the women dear, they will talk and talk, mostly about what their husbands don’t want anybody to know. Anyway, I was at this dinner, sitting next to a woman who was so aristocratic everything that was not made in Europe was vulgar. She complained about the food, the wine and even the water—so unlike the Swiss water—and of course, blamed everything on “la puta” (the whore.) Knowing the servants were spies—I said that I could not allow her to speak badly about the President’s wife and that “to have a stormy past was much better than being a present nuisance.” A few days later I received a call from Evita’s secretary. I was in.
—Cool!
—Cool? Is that your answer?
—Well, it’s a cool story.
—How can you be so dumb and be my grandchild?
—I don’t know.
—This was not a story. It was a lesson. You don’t write about politics. You use politics. You live politics. You breathe politics.
—I have a question.
—Finally, some interest in the matter. Yes?
—If you can alter your outfit to match a movie, why are you still bald?
—I give up.
A puff of air. He disappears. Oncle M: 0. Lily W: 1.

A lesson on how to handle telemarketers (and have fun in the process)

When you move to the US you discover great things: a postal system that works (you can even send checks and nobody steals them!), customer support that most of the time gives you support in one or two hours (instead of 3 or 4 days) and the fact that the customer is always right. But there are also things that make you want to cry. In my case it was telemarketers. We didn’t have them in Venezuela when I was growing up (having a working phone was already challenging enough) so I have no idea how to deal with them. I usually say no-thank-you-I’m-not-interested as fast as I can and hang up feeling guilty (when they wake me up, my answer is a “little” more aggressive.) I’ve entered my number on the Do not call list, but they still do. Yesterday, however, Roberta N. taught me a lesson that showed me you could actually have fun with telemarketers.
Telemarketer: May I speak with Ms. Roberta N.?
Roberta N.: This is she.
Telemarketer: I’m calling you to offer you $20 in gas if you…
Roberta N.: Gas, you said?
Telemarketer: Yes, with prices going up, these $20…
Roberta N.: I don’t have a car. I use public transportation. I’m part of the green movement*.
Telemarketer: Maybe you can give it to someone in your family?
Roberta N.: I don’t have a family. I’m alone in the world.
Telemarketer: Eh… A friend perhaps?
Roberta N.: Sir, have you heard of global warming? I told you I was part of the green movement.
How do you dare telling me to offer this card to a friend? That would go against my
principles! And you, sir, tell me, how many people live in your household?
Telemarketer: Eh… Four.
Roberta N.: How many cars do you have?
Telemarketer: Three.
Roberta N.: How can you? Do you know how many birds are dead because of your wasteful attitude?
Do you know that if Florida gets flooded it will be your fault? You are part of the problem…
Click!
The telemarketer, afraid, had hang up. It’s doubtful he will ever call her again. One telemarketer less, many more to go.

* Roberta N does have a car—if not she could not move in Miami—but she drives it as little as possible.

Random conversations #2

After finishing my therapy sessions with Fiona (we did a lot of Rrrrrr rolling to center some strange energy points called Mu) I got home to a dinner that Bonito had organized for a friend who lives in Miami but wanted to screen a movie he had produced to a few key contacts in NY. It was supposed to be a small affair, dinner for eight on the terrace and then watching the movie on the sofa. When I got home there were already 12 people and more were arriving every five minutes. Each man (bold, not very tall and with a tummy) towing one, two or three young bimbettes with very short skirts and very high heels. I sort of spaced out, and I just remember random pieces of conversation.
-Amy Winehouse’s lost, twin sister: Oh, my! Look at those stairs! Will I be able to go up? [Cluck, cluck, cluck from absurdly high heels with platforms] Oh, it seems I will be able but I don’t know if… [pause for effect and then looking at me] my LOUIS VUITTON will make it! He he he.
-A blond bimbette, who was part of what would be a threesome with another bimbette (brunette) and a rich (wannabe?) not very bright guy: Oh my God, are these cookies for real? Oh, they are for the dog? [GIGGLE] You know, lately I can’t see the difference. Have you tasted them? I have a dog too and I have cookies that look like real Oreos. I get confused every time. Isn’t it insane? Oreos, I tell you! Insane!
-One who had a bigger IQ and slightly bigger ambitions: This terrace is fantastic, and the whole apartment, and the neighborhood, I can picture myself living in Tribeca. And Bonito looks like a very smart man. Do you know if… Oh. Right. You two. Oh. Well… Oh. Let me help you with the food. All this food. You are so skinny, are you going to eat all of this? Hopefully it won’t spoil. Do I want some? Well, it is a lot of food. Maybe some cheese. More? Sure, actually as much as you can, because I’m a starving artist, so this will be my dinner for the rest of the week. Uh! Mini pitas! Great!”
When they left at around 1 am I realized two things: 1-it was the first time I talk to 18 Americans and none ask where I am from (actually, most didn’t even ask for my name.) 2- the food may not have gone to waste, but the money I invested to relax with my therapy session for sure had.

Don't worry anymore: It's all genetics, darling

So much time wasted trying to figure out why a this guy or that one would not commit (Was I too nice? Too pushy? Too much pressure? Did I say something wrong? Etc.) and they are now discovering that a person's commitment capacity is actually a genetic factor (check this article in Wire mag.) They made a bunch of people fill some questionnaires, then they ran DNA tests, and the answers correlated to variations in a specific gene.
So, don't waste anymore time trying to make that "special one" commit. Don't spend more money in therapy or in books like Make Every Man Want You. Just pursue another prey with a friendlier gene pool.
(...)
Wondering: Maybe my anglodislexia is also due to a genetic malfunction! Maybe I was supposed to speak with a perfect, posh British accent but my mother had an x-ray (or something,) the gene mutated, and now I speak with a worse accent than Penélope Cruz in L'Oréal's TV spots. Is it possible?

Once it's in print, does it become Spanish?

I'm reading a book called Diablo Guardián, by Mexican author Xavier Velasco. He writes like we talk, but so much better, with so much more rhythm and intelligence, taking advantage of every double meaning, every play on words. 

A fragment in the first page really captivated me: "Me acuso de bitchear, witchear y rascuachear, de ser barata como vino en tetra-pak, y al mismo tiempo cara, como cualquier coatlicue traicionera."*

This book is going to be fun. 

(...)

Wondering: Is bitchear now officially a Spanish word? 

*I accuse myself of acting as a bitch, as a witch—using the words in English + ear to "turn it" into Spanish—and a cheap woman, of being as cheap as wine that comes in tetra-pack and, at the same time, as expensive as a the traitress Aztec goddess who gave birth to the earth, stars, etc.)

Booboos of the week

—From Roberta N.:
“Make up your mind” was translated as “Maquilla tu mente” (something like Put make up on your mind.)

—From Pampa L: My son has trouble pronouncing the Spanish "rr" so he screams: "Mama, un pedo, un pedo" (Mom, a fart, a fart) instead of "un perro, un perro" (a doggie, a doggie.)

—From Lake: Latin American cable channel airing a Jack Black movie in English with Spanish subtitles. In English, Jack says: "We're going to party 24/7!" The subtitle reads: "¡Festejemos como si fuera el 24 de julio!" (Let’s party like it’s the 24th of July!) Maybe that was because the 24th of July is Simón Bolivar’s date of birth?

—From Luis: A couple of funny translations in this website.
1. Live Online (as in "available right now") was translated into: viva en línea... as in “you: go and live online”, but note the correct accent in the "i" =).
2. Wagon (as in “Station Wagon”) was translated into: vagón. Yeah, we Latinos still use those...

—From Gigi: “Pimp your truck” was translated as “Soprende tu camión” (surprise your truck). [note from Lily: What the …?]

The alchemists

We are not foreigners with an accent. We are alchemist with the gift of transforming one thing into another by a mere trick of the tongue (that some underestimate as just bad pronunciation.) For example:
When I think, I sink.
All my things sing.
My thoughts end up as tots.
I can’t have sheets, they all seem to turn into shit.
I avoid saying I’m at the beach so as not to be taken as a bitch.
And I. Did. Not. Grow. Up. In. Minnesota. I. Grew. Up. In. Venezuela. Yes. Venezuela (This one is the most surrealist one, it still surprises me after years of mispronunciation of the English language. How can I say Venezuela and people hear Minnesota?)

ps: It seems a few days of therapy has done its work. I'm now putting a positive and productive spin on my limitations.